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Henry (born Heinz) Alfred Kissinger (May 27, 1923 – November 29, 2023) is the most notorious bore of 20th-century international politics and the chief proponent of Realpolitik. He developed an approach to diplomacy called Primat der Außenpolitik and an approach to language involving sprinkling pretentious foreign words everywhere. His unintelligible advice baffled both Richard Nixon and thus certainly Gerald Ford, the two U.S. Presidents under whom he served between 1969 and 1977. His call for détente in U.S.–Soviet relations sent leaders of both nations to the dictionary, hoping it meant something dirty. His diplomacy played a crucial role in 1971 talks with Chinese Premier Zhou Enlai that concluded with a rapprochement between Kissinger and a lot of hot Chinese chicks. In the crowning achievement of his career, he was awarded the 1973 Nobel Peace Prize for talking Nixon out of his last-ditch plan to win the Vietnam War by carpet-bombing Stockholm. (more...)
Previously featured article – Rastadon
The Rastadon (Mamut rastadonis) is a mammalian species often confused with the more common Mastodon. The Rastadon was more intelligent, had a more complex social structure, and showed many other attributes usually associated with humanity, such as their own religion and communual smoking. The species now has only one living member and will go extinct when he rolls up his last reefer. (more...)
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June 9: Moose Conservation Day (North America), Scientific Blunders Awareness Day
- 36 CE - Jesus Christ saves a moose who becomes an apostle to spread the Word in the Americas. It only manages to get tangled up in clotheslines and trip over lawn furniture.
- 1491 – A cave painting is discovered which would later be the inspiration for the movie Opiate of the Molasses.
- 1567 – Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow. Doctors are amazed at how it stayed so clean while she gave birth to it.
- 1920 – The first solar-powered air balloon is launched at night.
- 1926 – The first refrigerator is invented. It is originally marketed for killing people slowly and coldly.
- 1940 – The team of scientists at Los Alamos begin work on the Manhattan Project. They construct the world's first nuclear weapons after the US government's promise to only use them for peaceful nuclear bombings.
- 1954 - This marks exactly 100 years to the day that Charles Darwin finished penning the The Origin of Species rough draft. The lapse of 100 years' time is called into question due to missing transitional forms.
- 1969 – Sex is created. However, scientists do not think it will be a big hit.
- 1988 – The VHS video entitled Steal This Movie becomes the world's most widely stolen merchandise. Politicians are baffled.
- 1993 – The case of Pot v. Kettle goes to the Supreme Court.
- 2003 – Open-Heart Surgery for Dummies notches its record-breaking 500th lawsuit.
- 2009 – George Lucas changes history to make it look like a moose got a shot in first. Fans of Greedo are outraged.
- 2016 – Star Wars fans are unable to lynch George Lucas at San Diego Comic-Con as he keeps all his profits from the sale of the franchise in gold coins duct-taped to his body and is far too heavy to lift.
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