UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Democracy Dies with Dignity

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UnNews

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Monday, June 10, 2024, 04:36:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
2. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
3. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
4. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
5. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
6. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
7. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
8. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
9. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
10. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
11. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
12. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
13. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
14. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
15. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
16. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
17. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
18. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
19. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
20. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
21. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
22. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
23. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
24. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
25. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
26. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
27. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
28. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
29. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
30. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
31. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
32. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
33. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
34. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
35. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
36. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
37. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
38. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
39. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
40. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
41. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape (in an unruly manner)
42. To rape fissile uranium, is to rape {{adv})
43. Albert Einstein is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.